Funny Things To Say About Steven Tyler Becoming A Judge On American Idol

Rumor has it that Steven Tyler being a judge on the upcoming season of American Idol is a done deal. Since we’re such big American Idol fans ( and by “fans” we mean “would rather have our eyes sucked out by Lisa Lampanelli” ) we thought we’d take a moment to share our thoughts about this exciting (and by “exciting” we mean, “mind-numbing, soul-suckingly boring”) development.

Funny Things To Say About Steven Tyler Becoming A Judge On American Idol

1. Careful sitting down there Stevie, might break a hip.
2. New feature this season, contestants voted off to be sucked into his giant mouth, forced to contemplate their shitty performance before being freed.
3. Breaking: rest of Aerosmith being a bunch of crybaby pussies about his new gig, threatening once again to get new singer.
4. I wonder if there’s a “no wearing pants tight enough to see your junk” clause in his contract?
5. Any way we can arrange some Liv Tyler and Alicia Silverstone girl on girl action during a performance, just for old time’s sake?
6. Steven Tyler is now a judge on American Idol. It was supposed to be a secret, but he’s got a big mouth. (from @NotAProBlog)
7. Let’s see, J-Lo’s fine ass, or Tyler’s old ass. Dammit Fox, why didn’t you just meet her demands?
8. I heard they wanted Axl Rose, but didn’t want to spend twelve years shooting one episode.
9. I know he is going to do that weird screamy stuff during commentary and it is going to make me want to punch him in his (gargantuan, seriously huge) mouth.
10. You know there are a lot easier ways to announce you’re officially out as lead singer of Aerosmith.
11. Stay tuned for Steven’s new addition to the competition: “Tour Bus Twister!” (from @ArynCorley)
12. I never thought I’d say this, but if this is where being sober leads, maybe he should start drinking again.
13. Craaaay-zay … Craaaay-zay … the network executives at Fox have gone craay-zay, on us baby …
14. God, please don’t let any of the contestants be named Janie. I’ll be so nervous.
15. Dude looks like a lady? Dude looks more like a washed up old rock star in a feather boa.
16. Just wet his lips and hang him on a window between takes.
17. As Idol’s ratings start to slide, they’ll revive the show by guest-judging with Run DMC.
18. Janie’s got a gun, Steven’s got a snippy attitude. Mraow!
19. David Lee Roth is now wondering if he can get a judge’s spot on America’s Got Talent. Or even a performance spot.
20. Will fanboy Mike Myers get his own dressing room or will he just stay stuck firmly to Tyler’s butt?

Funny Things to Say When You Meet Captain America

It’s official: the Captain America movie will be released in 2011, just in time for comic fan boys to wake up from their post-self-coital nap in their moms’ basements. Since it’s the dream of most Marvel fans to meet ol’ Cap in person, we wondered what would be the best thing to say to America’s Superhero.
Funny Things To Say When You Meet Captain America

1. Bet you’re not so tough without that shield, are ya?
2. Can you get me the Green Lantern’s autograph?
3. I forget … were you WWF or WCW?
4. Is it true that the Super Soldier serum shriveled up your junk?
5. Wonder Twin powers, Activate!
6. Hmmm. You can’t fly, have no Xray vision, don’t use lasers and don’t have a sidekick? Can I just call you “Steve?”
7. Dude … Gay Day is in May!
8. Off the third pillar from the left, off Lincoln’s head, and bounced off the back of Glenn Beck’s head, or I get your Big Mac.
9. I thought the Blue Man Group tour left town a few weeks ago.
10. Wow … I see you’re a gentile.
11. So you’re just like Batman, but without the belt, huh?
12. I want my weed or my money by ten o’clock or we got big problems, capiche Cap’n?
13. Here, try some Milk Thistle, that Super Soldier serum can be hell on the liver…
14. Brock Lesnar could totally kick your ass!
15. Shouldn’t you be in Afghanistan right now?

Funny Things To Say To Your Plumber

Our friend Dick (yeah, that’s his name, not a redeeming quality) is a reporter and interviewed a plumber for a DIY home improvement segment about bathrooms last week. At one point in the interview, talking about fixing toilets, the guy said — on camera — “Most of the time, you just need a good ballcock adjustment.” After Dick pissed himself, he told us about it and we thought of some more stuff to say while chatting with a ballcock adjuster.
Funny Things To Say When Your Plumber Mentions A Ballcock Adjustment

1. I’ve “dressed left” for years, but now my pants are all snug on the right.
2. I sure could use one. I keep walking in circles.
3. Should I turn and cough?
4. My flap keeps leaking.
5. Is it true that side effects of a misadjusted ballcock may include dizziness, headaches, dry mouth, and longing for days gone by?
6. Time for another ballcock adjustment. Caught my wife using the neighbor’s toilet again.
7. Is it true I’ll go blind if I keep “jiggling the handle?”
8. It burns when I pee.
9. I heard if your flap continues to leak for more than four hours, you should call your doctor.
10. My tank overfloweth, if you know what I mean.
11. Is that what’s caused the seeping around my O-ring?

Not bad for a joke list about one work, huh? But don’t leave the funny up to us. Add your funny ballcock line in the comments.

Funny Things To Say Watching The World Series Of Poker

Even though it’s not going on right now, we here at Say Funny Things know one absolute truth; The World Series Of Poker will be back, and people will watch it on television, and those people deserve to be made fun of. So join us in our endeavor, won’t you? Or, get mad and leave a comment about it and we’ll make fun of you too!

Funny Things To Say Watching The World Series Of Poker

1. How the fuck is this different than watching people play Go Fish?
2. Looking forward to watching the World Series Of Jigsaw Puzzles later!
3. My God, this is less of a sport than soccer.
4. Honey, you see this? If I ever watch this like I watch the NBA playoffs I want you to put rat poison in my cereal.
5. Confucius say: if it looks like a bunch of douches playing poker on television, it probably IS a bunch of douches playing poker on television.
6. Tough guys battling for a bracelet and bragging about who has the most jewelry on their wrist? Hmmm, that’s a bit like boxers fighting for a handbag! (from @AippleMedia)
7. Looks like the two best things on are this and Kathy Griffin talking about her twat. I’m goin with Kathy.
8. I had a friend who died during a drinking game where you do a shot every time you see a dickhead in a ball cap.
9. The sunglasses serve double duty; one, they help you fake out your opponents, and two, they hide your empty soul!
10. Got a pitch for ESPN, how about: The World Series Of Rednecks Blowing Their Life Savings At The Gambling Boat?
11. Even better: The World Series Of Bingo! I’d Tivo that shit!
12. I’m gonna set up a webcam on the video poker game down at the corner bar and get rich off of people watching it!
13. At least it’s better than Pardon The Interruption.
14. I’d like it more if they used knives.
15. Sit around, drink beer, and tell jokes with my buddies? Now THAT’S my kind of sport.
16. If poker is a real sport now, then I get a workout playing computer solitaire.
17. So the outcome of the game is based purely on luck? Where’s the skill in that?
18. A bunch of people sitting around, doing nothing, talking about inane shit? Are you sure this isn’t Seinfeld?

And just to be clear, we completely support getting drunk and gambling away the kid’s college fund, just don’t make it a TV show…